I wanted to be a writer from a young age but opted for a safer career—”safe” both financially and from the vulnerability of being judged for exploring the complexity of human nature.

I met my long-term partner online, and our relationship started with writing: emails that explored both vulnerability and desire, followed by sexy short stories. She loves reading erotica, and in the confines of our relationship, I felt safe writing it for her. Sometimes I’d write vignettes based on our own experiences. Other times I’d write a short story based on a simple prompt she’d give me, like “Lady in Waiting.” (I admit, I had to look up what that was as I was boarding a plane to Bangkok for a business trip. Two weeks later, I came back with a story for her.)

I was never very good at it, to be honest. She wanted fun titillation—a Literotica-style beach read. I kept drifting toward uncomfortable feelings, using erotica as a lens for emotional interiority. It was like a weird role reversal of gender stereotypes: she wanted sex; I wanted words and feelings.

The first prompt she ever gave me was “Mayan Ruins,” to build anticipation of an upcoming vacation to Playa del Carmen. That was early in our relationship, before the real-life complexities of health and family and long-term partnership had reared their heads. Being the clever wordsmith, I secretly toyed with the idea of writing Maya, Ruined—some Ocean’s Eleven-style scheming to make sure Maya had a Very Good Time.

It was years before I actually started writing Mayan Ruins. By then, those real-life complexities had arrived, and the world at large felt darker and more dangerous. Exhausted from my safe career, I took advantage of a sabbatical to revisit my writing dreams, and embraced the kind of writing where characters feel real and complex, three-dimensional sculptures rather than simple caricatures. By picking up a prompt that had been abandoned for nearly a decade, I gave myself the safety of pretending that I was still writing for someone else, allowing me to explore vulnerability and human nature more deeply than I ever had before.

As long as Maya got properly ruined in the end.